i see this sticker every time i hike up to my class. okay its only 20 steps but after a good leg workout, it feels like i hiked half dome all over again.
once upon a time, rumors of wars was going on about myself. when i was told about it and as i was just about to respond.. ALARMS went off the second my lips started to form the first consonant. the drama brigade came in and a full on barrage of attacks took place.
the '
smartie' that i thought i was, ( i am so smart. S-M-R-T) ran from it. i thought that if the drama brigade couldn't catch me then id have a good chance of surviving as i wanted no part of it. not having taken the necessary training or means to protect me from such combat.. oh and that i was way out of shape (yeah, thats important).... i thought i got far. granted, im not use to this kind of thing.
well, i didn't get far. i entered into some labyrinth and good luck finding a hiding place in there. it didn't take long for people to find me and of course, tearingly i waved my white flag and surrendered. only to be blindfolded by that white flag and later strapped to a chair by people hoping they get me to say whatever they wanted. (the whole being in a dark room with a light shining on you is kinda ineffective if you're blindfolded, just sayin'.) but, i couldn't. i refused to be bullied and it was my truth. if i was going to die.. might as well be HONEST. i finally figured out what was going on and well, that truth did set me free but it took for a friend to come and save me. they sent a horse my way and i rode off into my sunset because my fat self couldn't handle a long walk back to my hood.
THE END
point of this story if their is one... is that i need to remembe the bigger picture. im apart of a wonderful community that isn't immune to its share of toxicity, it's awesome/cool/negative...
habits, and i refuse to get caught up in the negative ones. noone is perfect and i know that personally speaking about myself.
the sad truth is that i chose to be apart of this community and therefore, any consequences of that decision is
my fault, right? it's been a wonderful journey but sometimes i wish i can just get a fresh new start. though i got nothing to prove. im not the type to run away from my problems either but i never stop hearing from the "critics" even when im not looking for it. (which is most of the time) i do sometimes consider constructive criticism but not the bold face lies. never the lies... i guess these critics will always be around and how one feels is a choice. im just trying to be me and i refuse to allow my differences be a gap between myself and the next person. i just always get baffled knowing how people allow my differences be a negative wedge for them and just cause to their defamation campaign. it
always gets back to me. its a curse and a blessing i suppose and i still haven't decided if its something i want to hear from them personally or what? i'll never understand why people don't want to be accountable for such actions either. i guess its not my job to comprehend such nonsense nor to hold them responsible. i want to be over it. really, i do. one day i will.
in every community, their are those hidden gems. people who are consistent with their good nature, with their good characters, with no guile. find them and treasure them. who knows, they may even find you but dont ever give up.
with each new scar, tear, growing pain from such consequences of my choice.. i gain a little more courage, a little more faith, and my my heart being able to love a little more. "i need to trust in the process of my imperfection" is a quote ill always remember from a blog post read from i can't remember where. this whole "weakness becomes your strength" is true. being apart of this community helps this process even if i don't want to admit it. it has always been more than just a social affiliation too. it always goes back to being a spiritual one and that is a good thing for me. having that faith and hope always saves me. if i were to remove myself, im the one that's missing out. id like to think others would miss me but im not worth that. im more worth being gossiped about these days....(years...)
if i want to see some change around me, it starts with me being kinder to myself and towards others. it does no good to love others if i cant learn to love myself. all of me even the imperfect parts too. yuck.
