Small life lessons from my world


Some things I am learning from my small life span here on planet crazy:

- Food will always be there. Growing up, it was something that was scarce. Well, my weight scale will tell you I eat plenty well now. :))
- People will eventually apologize for the wrong they cause, and if not them, someone else will even their children.
- I have friends but a few I trust as if my life depended on it. It feels good to have loyal friends and they are cherished and loved. 
- Observations: No matter how much you try to run from the consequences of your past, it will catch up to you and bite you hard. Or, open doors for you.
- I used to shame myself for something that happened to me from a long long time ago. It was out of my control. Ive finally let go and it feels soo good. I feel whole and I couldnt do it without this
- I really like shoes and bags because I can still fit them no matter what waist size I am.
- I like being a girl with some weight and curves but certain organs in my body don't, so I have to really really take care of myself.
- Forgiving and moving on really does exist and it feels good. If you allow it. 
- Im spicy. Not sassy but spicy. Im not rude but I will tell you how it is and try to be sensitive about it. Lets be real, a friend will be honest with you whether you like it or not and Im that kind of person.
- In my own small way I am finding Im more artistic than I realized. Its been nice to discover this and not live life in survival mode which has interfered a lot of my self discovery when I was growing up.
- Even though I have a stable life now with a stable relationship, it doesn't change the fact that I grew up in a dysfunctional and toxic home. I had a parent who tried all she could yet failed miserably and I cant hold it against her anymore because Im in charge of my own life. Yes, some of those bad decisions of hers caused me live on and off the streets. I know hard and I realized that it can show up in my personality. Its decided that I wont be hiding the parts that make me comfortable because it makes someone else feel uncomfortable.
- Listening to those negative voices can cause serious harm. Prolong happiness if any. Whether these nay-sayers are right or not, that is besides the point. Ive learned that its my voice that matters most and giving that up is not ok. EVER.
- Dont participate in gossip. Don't break confidentiality. I guess its cuz I value my friends who are loyal and this is huge to me. If you want a great group of friends, exercise good principles. 
- I love people who aren't afraid to be themselves and are humble.
- Poach eggs are ghrasie good and so are mini waffles.
-Having met some of popular bloggers, Ive come to realize they are just normal people who are aren't afraid own their lives. I can respect that in every way regardless of personality differences.
- Not everyone wants to respect my Truth and it doesn't change the fact that it still exists for me.
- I learned recently that Im actually part Jewish too. I guess my mom was right in telling me that when she spoke little of my father. I just wished she mentioned he was part Black too.
- Life is so much better when you give back,  unconditionally.
- Im over trying to have kids and moved on. Sad but true. 
- Love begets love.

Another birthday..


^^entrance to off the grid
I celebrated my birthday last month. It was a marvelous day. I was up at 5a.m. and enjoyed a good read and some warm almond milk. Followed by an early morning hike to my favorite spot with a friend. As the fog rolled out, I enjoyed such a peaceful view of the Santa Cruz mountains. All through the hike, I was lovingly reminded me how badly out of shape I am and how well Ive eaten over the years. I just realized Im in my mid-thirties now and I need to step it up. Yup, you're reading a blog of someone isn't in her mid-twenties and Im enjoying very much my place in life right now. Ive always felt like an old soul but lets just say, I really love being in my 30's and Im not trying to rush it.
Lunch was spent with my favorite New Yorker. We got pedicures and ate a new place. Though the lobster rolls weren't all grand, it was fun to be in good company. Thats one thing you can love the Bay Area for and that its endless supply of new places to try. I can smell those garlic fries!!
I spent the evening with my homey/lover/eating buddy at Off the Grid.  We drove into the City at sunset and their was no traffic. I wish their was because the City was clear of Fog and I saw THE best sunset next to the Transamerican building. I hung my phone out the window as an attempt to get a photo.  Its always on the fence if we should move here. We are here all the time and it IS our home.

After feasting off food trucks, we headed towads Bernal Heights for a nightly stroll.  Above in that photo is him saying (pointing) how he wants to walk on some slick trail that Im not even trying to twist my ankle on so he went without me. (and he did just fine. go figure!) 

My thoughts on being in my mid-thirties: Well, I realized that I couldn't make it to this point of my life alone. Ive been blessed with meeting great people who have come and go. Some stayed longer than others, some have made some guest appearances, but overall have had such great impacts on my life. I dare even add the small few who had such negative impacts too and that is because Ive learned so much from their dysfunctional behaviors. The good make me thankful, the bad have helped me learn my life's valuable lessons.

Im of the opinion that life is meant to hurt a little, have some growing pains, and I couldn't be have had much growth without it. Im in a happy place now and it feels great because I worked so hard to have that. Now to work a little harder at the gym. :)) 

 Follow me on my Instagram. Lets be real, thats the only account Im really one these days.

My dirty and beautiful truth


When I was 15, I lived on my own for sometime. Moving from place to place, I slept at odd locations, and often dumpster dived for my next meal. One late-evening, I met other kids who were loners/underdogs/blacksheeps in there world. Kids who were bullied much (and, no, not everyone gets bullied) too. Kids who parents beat them till they were bleeding red. Kids who were gay and their families and society had shut them out. Kids who weren't looking for trouble but just wanted to be unconditionally accepted and loved. We all came from dysfunctional backgrounds but didn't know any better because that was our norm. Well, we became a family and I found hope again in that year. 

We were a family of misfits whose loyalty knew no bounds. Who knew that good ole Silicon Valley had a dark side but we created a light for ourselves. We all wanted to "get out of the hood." One day, I was able to get a job, and I found a mentor that help me see the bigger picture in life. (he even taught me how to box, so I can keep myself safe while living on the streets and it sho came in handy). I realized I needed to make it right with my mom, so I briefly moved back home for a short stint and then moved out several months later. lol I was determined to never move back home nor, live on the street again. 

The point of this boring story of mine is that I may have a hard exterior but it's because I've lived a colorful life. (I am working on softening my hard exterior, and trust you me that I'm a soft caramel on the inside.) Their are dark things in this world that no one should experience but people do and life can suck. However, you can rise above it if you allow yourself too. So to those struggling, I say have hope, work herra hard, move forward, be kind, forgive yourself and others, pay it forward, eat dessert before dinner, have adventures, laugh, be f'n fearless, and never give up. I know hard but I know hope a lot better and she's real. :) Sidenote: Their are some people who deserve to have the benefit of doubt and I'm glad my mom and I worked things out. She ended up dying a few years later and I have closure.

Mem Day


Memorial Day weekend was big fun blur and I took this photo to perfectly illustrate this. haha No, really, I just suck at night photography but it was such a busy weekend and this shot was spot on! A baby shower, family in town at the last minute, big exams, surf to chase for Nols, and spontaneous instameet with some amazing instagramers while we were chillen at the Golden Gate. It was glorious I tell ya. Im pretty sure we didnt sleep. Then I find out I may be going out of town last minute and that threw me for a head spin. Sometimes, I deal well with chaos. Unfortunately, my heart cant so its nice to just deal with these in small doses. Knock on wood.

I love this spot though. Not only the view is nice (minus the squiggle) but their is a sheer cliff beyond the little roped off area. Its nice to be reminded that with all great things in life, it has its boundaries too. Everything in moderation... even moderation, right. 

Baby Blessing


A much needed get away took place on Mother's Day weekend. My cousin Sadie had a baby blessing and one year old birthday rolled in one. We all said our well wishes to her for her baby blessing. They aren't Lds so it was a nice treat to see how others hold their baby blessings. It felt so good to be around the fam. It was such a treat to get away. Having family in NYC and LA, makes it  hard to decide which one Id like to be closer too. Love both families and love the locations so much too except So Cal does have better beaches. 
 Gotta represent the Vietnamese food and beautiful decor. My Aunt & Uncle did a wonderful job.
Family in from Texas. :)) 
My other Aunt photographing my cousins. She hasnt missed a day in taking a photo of them together!
Loving a good meal from Gen Korean BBQ. We love our KBBQ!!!!
One of my most favorite things to do in my life happened during our Mothers day weekend getaway. My Aunt along with volunteers from her dance company would go and volunteer at schools to play music and dance with the students. We came along for one of these events and my heart was touched in every way. These students have severe disabilities and they have the sweetest of spirits. We would get them involved and participate to the best of the abilities. My heart melted. It was such a learning experience. It made me wonder what more can I do to give back to the community around me.
For more shots from our LA trip, check out #houseoftongla on my Instagram 

Have a good Memorial Day everyone! xoxo

A meal with no rice and its sprinkling


I feel like I have so much to write but no time to write it. Or, time that I want to dedicate to it lately but I care about my readers so I wanted to check in. Writing is so therapeutic and Im always in much need of therapy...

This evening:
Nols just returned from surfing. His face, neck, hands, and feet are darker than the rest of him. I try to convince my bear into wearing sunblock but he swears its his Hawaiian side that gives him the sun advantage. I get it boo but Im not even trying to lose another family member to cancer. Whatever, he will have it his way. He will have his time in the ocean like his ancestors did and theirs nothing to stop him even a few minutes to put on sunscreen. His ancestors didnt have that so why should he? I can hear him outside rinsing off his wetsuit from the excessive salt water. We believe that salt water can kinda cure almost everything but it can do great damage too. I need that wetsuit of his to last a few more years at least. He decided to not eat so much one day and lost almost 30lbs and had to get a new suit. If only we lived in Hawaii where the water is warm their would be no need for him to wear such a body condom. When he hangs up that wetsuit outside our front door, I feel like someone is staring at us. Its worse when its at night and all I see is it in its opaqueness. I start saying all of my favorite cuss words that Im trying to not say anymore.

On the table: I actually made a meal tonight with no RICE (thats a huge staple in our home and a huge no-no). Husband thought he was gonna just eat rice and tuna. Nope, I actually got domestic for a hot second and dont get used to it. The menu? Stove top roasted red potatoes, oven baked bbq chicken, cole slaw (i dont add the sugar), and The Pioneer Woman's spinach salad. 

Time: Busy with schools and taking on odd and end jobs. Im not built for education but slowly and surely Im learning I can be. Easier said than done and its nice to get an edumaction for how slow I am. As for the jobs, its humbling coming from having a career and not taking on work to help make ends meet. Gotta do what I can to get through school, right? Better late than never I try to tell myself even if it takes forever.

My whole life Ive been a blacksheep and underdog. I dont understand why some would want to be that? Yeah, I had a different life that I wouldn't change for the world but I love what I have now. Its clean, happier, filled with its share of challenges but yeah. So many moons/piercings/colored hairs/choice activities/foul language ago, I wouldn't recognize me. I love what I have now and I dont miss that life one bit. Im still different but in a ...different kind of way. Just enjoy your differences people. Dont force it. Seriously, you.

As for these photos.. Just chillen in the city with my girl last week and loving it. It feels good to just capture what screams to my eyeballs.  This one is my friend and her cute outfit moving with the wind. It just made the whole City brighten up even more. ^^^ Sometimes I feel the pressure to just post photos of me, me, me but Im not there yet. Anywhooooo....

Wait, its raining. ITS RAINING! Okay, its sprinkling. Which means, its time to bring in that wetsuit. Any type of weather change excites me as we rarely get much of a seasonal change around these parts. And, in case you havent heard, Calii is in a drought. Ill do my part in drinking a lot more soda to help alleviate our water usage. Caffeinated beverage please. The darker the better. :)

To the belly that is not a house not a home


Having miscarriages makes me feel like my belly isn't one to become a home for a baby everrr. It's not a house, not even a ho-tel mo-tel hol-iday inn (guess the song). Okay, well, its more like a high end luxury hotel *wink wink* but whatever it is, its just empty. Filled with constant disappointments even. Though I will say, I have not had any full term pregnancies, I wouldnt change my body for what it is from all of these experiences. Not just the miscarriage itself, but the emotional eating.. the "Im gonna try to get my body back from the miscarriage", the tears that flow .. Now Im rambling.

Another thought, Im not one to be comparing myself to those around me but when youre apart of a community that has above average birth announcements, families with many kids... You can't help but to stand out if your not apart of that.

Nothing new there but...

Reality is hitting extra hard lately when I found out that I'm officially the last of the infertile myrtles to be in the club. Initially, I wasnt phased as Im filled with excitement to see my friends get pregnant and have their children. No stings but just one hundred percent happiness for them!! It used to sting many many years ago but twenty plus baby announcements later, aint nobody got time to be a Debbie downer. (and those baby announcements have yet to stop coming so you have to have a paradigm shift if you want to survive....) Having accept that has lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders and well, life moves on and I'm zumbaing on that train along with it.  Life moves on and I rather join in on the celebrationsssssss. I thought Id would be able to find another infertile myrtle friend(s) to form another club with but negatory, its just me now.

Well, its me and him, whose lap my head rest upon. He is my everything and the best support system I have and I couldnt think of a better companion to be working through this together. In no way am I trying to discount my girlfriends who swooped me up when they know I needed some froyo to help cope with this infertility nonsense. Im seriously so blessed to have them too.

To all the infertile myrtles out there. Whether it be youre trying to have your first baby, your second, third.. whatever stage youre in, dont.ever.give.up! Make the most of the time and get a punching bag hobby to help in the meanwhile. Mine, is Triple caramel chunk from Ben & Jerry's ice cream. :)

Happy Mothers day to all the dads that are moms, to the single moms, the infertile myrtles who want to be moms, and of course, all the mommies. Cherish this day and everyday. :)

The errors of my ways


 If youre ever in Sf, check out Cafe Sophie in the Castro district. I dig their lavendar limeade and this ^^ nommy hot cocoa. They even have free wi-fi :))

Real Talk
- For posting infrequently and not monetizing my blog
- For eating three slices of costco veggie pizza without srircha
- Failing to read all the damn labels on that one parking meter in Sf so many months ago...
- Failing to pickup my medicine for a flu that has no resulted in a great need for much antibiotics than I intially needed but forgot to get (hope that made sense)
- For hoping to be friends with certain bloggers
- For photoshopping those zits off my face pics
- For deciding against that one prompting about some important decision that involved my health and it backfired... BIG TIME.
- For not giving someone the benefit of the doubt when it was called for
- For not fitting in my favorite pair of jeans
- For being too harsh on myself about infertility, school, weight, lack of excercisessSSssSSSsss
- For editing my life on this blog. Having worked in HR and even have my share of haters climb through this blog looking for ways to mock and find fault, you learn real quick the ideal ways to protect you and yours. My plan isnt 100% fool proof but I try. A life filled with experiences dealing with bullies make you a little too conscious of this. Youre winning if  youre looking for imperfections. No short of them here. :)
- For boxing up my heels. I used to wear them all the time wherever I went. Now its my good ole chuck taylors for everyday practicality.
- Failing to stay up to date on trends.
- For not doing squats
- For not planning ahead when it comes to my finances and thus having to put aside my wants for vital needs.... bleh
- For looking white and nearly confusing everyone who likes to make a big deal of it when they find out Im actually not. lolol
- For sometimes comparing myself to those that have grown up healthy, stable lives.. Sometimes I just cant fathom people not growing up in toxic dysfunctional environments like I did. How is it possible?
- For not wanting to post the same Instagram shizz that others do yet I feel like I do sometimes. hash tag chasing light
- For opening up too easily and too much sometimes
- For putting off so many years to learn how to play the guitar
- For telling someone my thoughts when they asked for it. hash tag no filter
- For being naive
- For not wanting to reconnect with my peeps from mah ghetto hood.
- For not hiding my tattoo when Im at Church
- For all of those miscarriages..
- For letting my guard down and crying in front of my gals when they took me out for a mad dash to get some froyo. Sometimes you gotta let yo'self look like crap, cry 'till your eyes are extra puffy, talk nonesense and let your girls just be an awesome sounding board. People are down for ya when you let them.
- For not always coming to God first about the troubles Ive seen. He does have my back. I need to trust him more.
- For overly plucking my eyebrows as a teen. I already had little to begin with but a majority of them hairs is on a long term vacation. I wish theyd come back. Im tired of drawing them in .........

Thank goodness, I can try be better with each new day and yet, I forget that sometimes.

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